This Train
by Amara D'Angeli
Summary: J/D Songfic- Elton John's "This Train Don't Stop There Anymore". Josh agonizes over losing Donna.


This Train  
By: Amara D'Angeli  
  
Author's Note: I have no idea where this came from. I generally don't write angst and I don't even like to read song-fics. But somehow this story begged to be written and it seems my fingers were willing to write. This story is based on the song "This Train Don't Stop There Anymore" by Elton John. It's a great song and this story will make a lot more sense if you listen to the song. You can hear it at www.eltonjohn.com.  
  
**~**  
You may not believe it  
But I don't believe in miracles anymore  
**~**  
  
It's difficult sometimes to try to comprehend your life. To take a serious look at yourself and your actions and bill them for what they really were, not what you wish they were. It's harder still to pass sufficient judgment on yourself. Rarely do we ever give ourselves the punishment or the praise that we deserve. I'm fairly good at praising myself when I see fit, but it's high time I've started holding myself accountable for this plethora of fuck-ups that I call my life. I know I'm no genius when it comes to love. I've failed more times than I've passed. But now more than ever I need to face what I hoped I never would. I've driven her away.  
  
**~**   
And when I think about it  
I don't believe I ever did for sure  
**~**  
  
She was, by anyone's rationalization, the best thing about me. I can run a country but not my life and certainly not my heart. When things got difficult after Rosslyn, I got difficult. While all of my friends gave me either the support or space that I needed, she was there to give me everything I needed even when I didn't know what it was. She's always known what's best for me. I always knew she was too good to be true, even when I was annoyed with her. But I never truly believed that I could mess up so bad that she would leave.  
  
**~**  
All the things I've said in songs  
All the purple prose you bought from me  
Realties just black and white  
The sentimental things I'd write  
Never meant that much to me  
**~**  
  
I remember thinking that the last time I put my hand through a pane of glass was the last time. But tonight when she walked out that door, tears tracking down her face, she took my last shred of resistance with her. I think I did it for spite, to spite myself, to spite Stanley, to spite her. As if there was anything more I could do to hurt her. Tonight she offered herself to me in an attempt to lessen the pain I've been feeling and rather than collect her into my arms as I desperately wanted to do, I pushed her away. I would have hurt her less if I would have physically pushed her, punched her, put her hand through my window. The thing is, for a while, it looked as if we may be able to take that next step.  
  
**~**  
I used to be the main express  
All steam and whistles heading west  
**~**  
  
A week ago I looked across my desk and met her eyes. There was something in them I've never seen before. It was so beautiful, it was breathtaking. The look that she had in her eyes moved me so much that I had to look away before she could see my tears. Never before have I seen such acceptance, devotion, friendship, support, love, honesty, and revelation all in one place. I've never seen anyone with that look in his or her eyes. And I've certainly never seen anyone look at me that way. That's when I realized that one way or another I was supposed to spend my life with her.  
  
**~**  
Picking up my pain from door to door  
Riding on the Storyline  
Furnace burning overtime   
**~**  
  
Now the only way I'll be spending my life with her is through glorious memories.  
  
**~**  
But this train don't stop  
This train don't stop  
This train don't stop there anymore  
**~**  
  
I've ruined all of my chances. Tonight she came to do my bidding. She came to bring me files that I didn't need. She came to bring me files that were only an excuse to see her. She had a look on her face that told me more than words could ever explain. The simple version is that she looked…balanced. I don't ever remember feeling balanced. But I know, had I given her a chance, she would have restored balance to my life. That's what I needed.  
  
**~**  
You don't need to hear it  
But I'm dried up and sick to death of love  
**~**  
  
I don't need love. Love I have. What I needed, what I need, is that look that was in her eyes last week. It was total acceptance and it was my heaven. The only heaven I could ever know. Now I will never know the whisper of her breath on my face. The pounding of her heart against my chest. The satin of her lips pressed to mine. The silk of her skin against mine. To think I gave all of that up for no reason that I could ever imagine.  
  
**~**  
If you need to know it  
I never really understood that stuff  
**~**  
  
It occurs to me that I should be going after her. Time has slowed down in my mind so that my thoughts may be coherent. She can't be that far away and still my feet won't move. I'm glued here to the floor in front of my window where the chilly night air rushes over me. A few misty drops of rain mingle with the blood on my hand.  
  
**~**  
All the stars and bleeding hearts  
All the tears that welled up in my eyes  
Never meant a thing to me  
Read 'em as they say and weep  
I've never felt enough to cry  
**~**  
  
It seems appropriate that the sky can cry while I can't. I can never cry when I need to relieve the tension in my chest. It's suffocating and maddening. I want to call to her, yell her name into the darkness that surrounds me. It's night in the world and in my life. It seems as if the sun will never rise.  
  
**~**  
I used to be the main express  
All steam and whistles heading west  
**~**  
  
Once upon a time I would have called to her. What is it that keeps me from calling when it's important to survival?  
  
**~**  
Picking up my pain from door to door  
**~**  
  
What is it that makes me feel a need to suffocate in this madness, this sadness?  
  
**~**  
Riding on the Storyline  
Furnace burning overtime   
But this train don't stop  
This train don't stop  
This train don't stop there anymore  
**~**  
  
What is it that makes me self-destruct when it come down to happiness, much needed balance, and love?  
  
**~**  
When I say that I don't care  
It really means my engines breaking down   
The chisel chips my heart again  
The granite cracks beneath my skin  
I crumble into pieces on the ground  
**~**  
  
Now I cry, huge tears rolling down my face. My suffocating is backwards now, there is to much oxygen and it's making me heavy headed and heavy hearted. There seems to be nothing left. I'm heavy and my legs won't hold me. The blood on my hand is now blood on my heart where it's ripping. Shrinking and bursting, both at the same time.  
  
**~**  
I used to be the main express  
All steam and whistles heading west  
Picking up my pain from door to door  
Riding on the Storyline  
Furnace burning overtime   
**~**  
  
I can't help but think that I've done this to myself. The words reverberate through my head. Useless now, it's all over.  
  
**~**  
But this train don't stop  
This train don't stop  
This train don't stop there anymore  
**~**  
  
I'll never get to tell her that I love her. And the rain falls harder.  
  
**~**  
But this train don't stop  
This train don't stop  
This train don't stop there anymore  
**~**  
  
There is nothing left to do but sit here and die. When I walk out of this apartment tomorrow morning I'll be a hollow version of my former self. And tomorrow, unlike last time, Donna won't be there to put me back together.  
  
~FIN~  
  
Feedback: I'm nervous about this one, so feedback would be great! 


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